Pages by Rod Hayward aka..
{SMEG}~Taz ^..^

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Although this is primarily a news page for the members, if you are n't a Smeg and you have wandered in here out of curiosity, you are welcome anyway.

  • The news will be updated as and when time permits, the last two weeks on the page will be transferred to the archive page.

  • Game tips, bugs and snags will be on the appropriate pages.

  • It will, of course, be dependent on time and space [no pun intended] :)

  • I do not intend to list the "best, worst, so and so sucks" type stuff.

  • Any reproduced posts are "as is" with no guarentees or acceptance of any liability for innaccuracies or errors.

Saturday Dec 19th
Some of you have been asking me about "Nukes". Well if you are running Win95 you might want to take a look at

I am convinced some chimps doing it to me, cos I keep getting reboots whilst playing. If I go on with a different "Jacket" then it does n't happen. So I am patching today. :)

I had an ICQ message from Fear this morning to say that Fungu is going to fold the DO outfit. This is kinda sad, they've been around for ages and it' was his 18th Birthday this week. C'est la Vie.

Iv'e been thinking about the punch-ups. What i initially proposed seems like to much hard work. Also it's getting a lil' close to the sort of thing a lot of us don't want to get involved with.

So my proposal is that who ever is aroud at the time gets stuck in. If we get stuffed, who cares, just a game. Ho Ho he he arf arf woof.

True Story ?????
A TV traffic helicopter had a avionics failure whilst covering the traffic in downtown Seattle. The visibilty was poor so the pilot schmoozed over to a tall building and hovered outside the office windows, whilst the camera-man wrote on a large piece of paper "Where are we" and held it up to the office workers.

One of the office workers nodded and started to write on a large sheet of paper, which he then held up for the pilot to see, " You 're in a helicopter" it read.

The pilot nodded and set course directly for the airport. "How did you work that out?" asked the cameraman.

"Simple", replied the pilot," We must have been outside the M*******t Building. Only they would give you a technically correct answer that was absolutly useless."

Usual disclaimer here. I am not saying that this is a true story, or indeed if M*******t would do such a thing. Who are M*******t anyway?

Friday Dec 18th
When there's nothing much going on I'm gonna chuck in some funnies, just so you don't have a wasted trip. I spoke to Chukkie BMR last night, Blitz has been asking me when we are going to join the BZF (BattleZone Federation). Well I said stick us down, can't do any harm, we'll see what develops.

If we do get invited to a punch up the fairest way to select a side is this.
  • Firstly, only those of you who want to have a crack at the others on a team basis, will be asked if they want in? I know some of you don't, NP with that. Mostly I don't want to do anything that upsets the status quo. It's a happy ship (most of the time) I want to see that continue.
  • Secondly, those of you who participate frequently and keep a high profile are going to be more noticable than some of you who I don't see or hear from for weeks. Bear that in mind
  • Thirdly, Form. I think its fair to select those players who are "smoking" to "go to the ball". I put in a daily apperance in BZ , but I am sucking at the moment, so I would 'nt put myself in for a team place at the moment.
That's my opening shot, If any of you have any firm ideas and feeling about this, let me know. At the risk of repating myself, it's you guys who make it what it is. If you think it's all bollocks and don't want to get involved, then thats fine with me too.

By the same token I also thought it would be unfair not to ask you if you did want some inter-clan knuckle.

Here's todays gems

Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.

In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence
with words in the proper order then, why can't he?

Thursday Dec 17th
Gravity is a myth, the Earth just sucks.

We have another mad axeman in the clan. As of today Fear & Loathing has decided to join us in our anti chimp crusade. This should get right up the nose of the HEL as they were trying to poach him from under Fungu's nose a while back. (Archives P6, 9th Nov) At least we have the good taste to let people make up their own mind. Welcome aboard M8.

Now all we gotta do is get hold of Arse Lt, for the whole set. We'll see.

Wednesday Dec 16th
Whilst walking over Southwark bridge I distinctly smelt a banana tainted aroma. I looked down and there was this barge piled high with yellow containers. The crew seemed to dressed in long fur coats and walked around with a pronounced stoop. They were some distance away, however, so it was difficult to tell who they were. Very suspicious tho'. The barge was heading towards Westminster. Has Coco Smiley returned to London? Are there chimps still lurking in the government? The suspense is almost unbearable.

Banana smugglers ?

Tuesday Dec 15th
For your info, whist we are on the subject, here is another fine URL for info on BO and Netbus.

The BO Detect version 2.5 (Beta) now has an install shield to make life easier, as I said below it is available from

Are n't they splendid chaps, don't forget if you find any bugs in the beta release, Let the Benson boy know.

AnyS (Upuaut) tells me that people all around him are running animated Christmas cards and his please are falling on deaf ears. Don't be a mug, bin the bloody things, It'll save you a lot of heartache later.

Monday Dec 14th
The third episode of the"Chimpinators": "The rot sets in" is out tonight

Pity so much time was wasted. Sorry, I think next time I'll put it to a Clan vote, In or out?

I am actually (like Keiron) a pretty fair musician. The day job is just to keep me in strings. "Philidelphia" is on tonight, and while I know jack about the film, the song makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

Ooops, I promised not to get serious. Still, great lyrics.

Sunday Dec13th

This is Smokey-Bacon (aka the "Yakster"), I get up for a split second and "Hmmm an unattended warm patch". She's fiteen years old now, so she has to take it easy. At least thats I get told, personally, I am sure she knows she's on to a good thing. It's a good job she did n't sit there the other day after the stuffing I got off Blitz, Fu, Fear & Co. Could have been damp. Woof!

The good news of the day is that Keiron(Capt-Mo) has finally removed the last bits of the trojan from his PC. Although he managed to get all the crap out of the registry etc, there was a hidden lump in IE the the BO detect flushed out. Thanks go to AntS (Upuaut),Chris Benson & Co. (and you might buy me a beer too, as a co-ordination fee, arf arf) I do hope we have seen the last of this kind of thing. This damage-limitation exercise has delayed the third episode of the"Chimpinators": "The rot sets in". I actually have it here sitting on the desk. I wrote it by hand on the train and I have to type it up. No I will not take a Laptop on the train and do it. I hate those irritating fekks who tap away the whole journey, sad bestids.

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