Pages by Rod Hayward aka..
{SMEG}~Taz ^..^

News archive
Bug Fixes
Multiplay Page
What is Smeg?
Smeg Colours


Although this is primarily a news page for the members, if you are n't a Smeg and you have wandered in here out of curiosity, you are welcome anyway.

  • The news will be updated as and when time permits, the last two weeks on the page will be transferred to the archive page.

  • Game tips, bugs and snags will be on the appropriate pages.

  • It will, of course, be dependent on time and space [no pun intended] :)

  • I do not intend to list the "best, worst, so and so sucks" type stuff.

  • Any reproduced posts are "as is" with no guarentees or acceptance of any liability for innaccuracies or errors.

Sunday Feb 7th
Well, I have put five of the grossest avis/mpgs I have on an "animations" page

They include scenes which include bodily functions, some by animals, and some cartoons of ka-ka content. Some of the files are quite large, but all are worth a look. Please don't view these immediately before or after a meal. :o)

If you are not offended by sickening contentClick here to enter. If as a result of viewing these clips you throw up,
may I please have a video of it.

My thanks to Jaki for the smelly chimp AVI, I've been after that one for ages.
Saturday Feb 6th

Glad to see Bang Bang about last night, appearently the ISDN is the dogs bollocks. I got him at 250 all night, I hope it makes him a bit happier, I know he was pissed at all the lousy connects he was getting. Goood news M8. Fear managed to get back home for the weekend which was brill, we were playing till 4 am again with Gavner, Brum, Sampo and a few others that escape me.

For all you Python fans, theres a good selection of wav stuff like "Weleeeese Wodger at

As I have got a week off I shall have a tidy up around the site, so if you got any suggestions or changes to your pages you want doing, this would be a good time to let me know. BTW ALIEN, some guy keeps asking me to join, "Bizar", I think, he says he has spoken to you. Do you know what he's on about?
Friday Feb 5th

Yay, I got a week off now. Eeeeka
Thursday Feb 4th
Very quiet last night. Has any one seen Bang Bang lately? He was gonna get an ISDN any day, I havn't seen him for a while tho.

Here's a few more.

Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence Tips #2
How to tell when you are dead.

1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants.
2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
5. Exotic birds flock around you.
6. People ignore you at parties.
7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
8. You no longer get off on cocaine.

Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:

1. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
2. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
3.There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

Slurm, noun.:
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

Snacktrek, noun.:
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.
Wednesday Feb 3rd
Sorry, not feeling very creative today. Here's a funny.

Ray's Rule of Precision:
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.

Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp; Guns aren't lawful;Nooses give;Gas smells awful;You might as well live.#
Tuesday Feb 2nd
Well I finally got upto date, with the aid of some friends in a Europa last night. I got some good pics for the "Shot of the week page", which was a lil' behind. There is a nice new one of Killie getting stuffed (he he) and in the coming weeks there''ll be Blitz, (Thanks for the wav, English bed-wetting type), Brum, Sampo and a couple of others who ended up on my windscreen. Oh, BTW, sorry to Brum for getting more than his share of the "publicity". I told you all I'd "make you famous" ha ha ha. Luv it.
Link to Shot of the week

"Killie gets boned"

Monday Feb 1st
I see more and more clans are now dividing in to "regiments". Well have no fear I can't be arsed with all that cobblers. Mind you, I did think about doing some joke ones. Here's a few ideas.

{SMEG)~Taz (57th ARF)
{SMEG)~Fear(101st WOOF)
{SMEG)~Jaki(2nd ARSE)

Mix and match. I'd put money on someone asking what Arse meant.

Do n't forget kiddies, if you want to talk in a game, ally or anything like that, go for Control B. I got another bloke like that yesterday (thats 3 now, maybe I should have 3 lil' ejection seats painted on the side of the tank) He was most upset. Ha ha ha. I mean, when you read the guys saying "oh, gee thanks" and then the next thing you see is "so and so ejected" followed by "you ***** ****** ****". It's simply delicious. At least they'll never forget what Control B does.

We had 900 "hits" last month, not bad as we aint registered with any search engines :o)

California, n.:
From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."-- Ed Moran

Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. -- Rich Hall.

Sunday Jan 31st
At last, My scsii Dat drive is working. (with more thatn a lil' help from Up's). The card was a Pulg 'n' Piss around type. Anyway all better now :) 1.7 gig of data from my C,D,E drives took 3:45 to complete, including verificaton. Do the other 3 later.

Fear, is having to work away from home for next 6 months! Bummer. Bed and Brekky with no PC for BZ. Well best of luck from us to him and not forgetting Caz as well who'll be staying at home. With a bit of luck he may get back for the weekends.

Still wating for a rumble, Omnicron says Mod are up for a rematch, so thats the next likey one, I'll post a date and time after I've had a word.

There is a Finn running around with a Smeg jacket on, a friend of Crow's, I believe. He has n't actually asked to join yet! So if you read this old son, I suggest you drop me a mail. Otherwise you gonna get a whipping of the "Paid up Smegs". If you aint on the member page, they do n't now you are for real, besides which, it's always nice to be asked first.

Finally, I,ve tidied up the Gallery a bit.

This just in from Upuaut, he really needs some help :)

Come to Smeggieland

Saturday Jan 30th
YAY, WE HAVE MADE IT. The first ever SMEG imposter, {SMEG} f*****r. You sad bestid, who ever you are. Ha ha ha ha ha

If you see a {SMEG}~Deathmaster btw, it's for real, Ben's machine blew up and I thought he quit. My apologies about that. Anyway I will put all to rights over the next few days.

At last! The Chimpinators Episode 5, "Monkey Business" is out.
The cages are open. US One comes to Mars.

Fwyday Jan 29th

Hmmmmm, makes you wonder if HEL or IG are at the bottom of this?

Thursday Jan 28th
Went to the hospital today to get wifey scanned. I am happy to say she and the baby are well. Now I promise not to turn in to a crashing baby-bore, but some folks wanted to see the pic. Theres a link from this thumbnail, so those of you who want to see the scanned scan can, without me inflicting it on those who are n't bothered.
Taz/Tazette @ 3 months
I am about half way through episode 5 of The Chimpinators as I had a day off today. OmniCron wants a rematch MoD vs Smeg game. Let me know whose available at the weekend. So far I know out of those who have n't played yet we have Killie, Up's, Sampo, Alien and Gavner who are up for it.

I have had yet another gem form Upuaut, (makes my life easier). It's a Joining Questionairreand I have put a link to it from the joining page.I think it would make a good Dei facto membership apllication.

Wednesday Jan 27th
Seeing as we are kicking our heels waiting for someone with some balls to come along and challange us I have posted a "come and get us" note on the BZF. 'Cos I know some of you are gagging for a punch up. I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday Jan 26th
Another from Upuaut today.

Monday Jan 25th
This from Upuaut today, I love it.

Quotable from the Chimps me an Jaki trounced last night :

"This is war , expect pain"
(In answer to my request to NOT run over pilots).

"Upuaut you die easily" (We trounced them)

"Now you know who we are" (No comment)

"Jaki is better than you" (Agreed)

Haha , Jaki played great game , when we get that team work working we are devastating.

On a more personal note I am upset to see that you will not be getting a SMEG dishwasher. You of all people should carry the light * , or the shoe *

Later :)

Nice one guys keep the shoe flying. EXTERMINATE THEM!

Sunday Jan 24th
OK OK OK. I know shot of the weeks out of date, I know Episode 5 is late.

I'm doing the best I can. First the central heating, now the bloody dishwasher(No I am not going to buy a Smeg one, It's gonna be fixed and like it).

"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?".
"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,right?"-- MacNelley, "Shoe"

This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. -- Douglas Adams

Saturday Jan 23rd
This just in from the VC HQ

Hey Taz,

Hrafn's been having mucho problemo with his email. So I haven't received your BZF graphic yet. If you want to send it to me directly, I'll make sure you're all shiney and accounted for in the next couple of days.

As regards to a VC/SMEG bloodbath type event, we're game almost any time. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration. Being a multinational organisation we only really meet up on Friday and Saturday nights at 7:30pm EST (that's 12:30am GMT to the more enlightened) so a match on either of those two days starting at around 8pm EST/1am GMT would need to be arranged. Blame the Canadians. Alternatively, we can arrange a more low key event using just our European contingent. Whatever takes your fancy, I'm sure can be arranged. Our dance card is empty right now apart from a fixture against CW next Saturday night, but aside from that (to quote John Inman) "I'm free".

Dump the shoe, man. You know it makes sense. Is your shoe green? I think not.

Colonel Failure

Heh, I sense a fellow spirit here. Nice mail Col.

Do n't forget this is your clan too, if you have got any contributions send them to me!

That's all for now, drop me a line

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