News Archive 18

Thursday March 25th
Oh, so I aint being productive eh? Well chew on this dump-lore then

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences A perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, Fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an Expert diver But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it .

The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chilli Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves The chili dump stays with you all day, making your ring feel like a heat shield.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done you reach for the toiletpaper Only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder A mild panic begins coldly in your throat You could use the curtains someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug? too cumbersome Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll

The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock Now you're wet and embarrassed Tip: Blot instead of wiping

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose You sit there, thinking over your dilemma First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf".. You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom Basically there are only three things you can do: 1 Scream 2 Call an Obstetrician 3 Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16.

The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: 1 Flush the toilet 2 Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3 Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in The bathroom without worrying about a lock less door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door If you can't reach to do this E Ehum loudly E

The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, But there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off You're Getting impatient Someone else wants to use your stall So, you grip the Seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the Darn thing has disappeared Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe maybe you should just to make sure you went Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't Seem to be enough You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times Too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call The world's record is seven encores.

DVX rumble is 20:00 gmt This Saturday!

Also congrats to Fear and missus on their 4th wedding anniversery. :0)

Wednesday March 24th
Flags for the new guys, and any of you who have lost them are in the smegflags directory. Don't forget to rename them flag0033.bmp, or whatever.

Tuesday March 23rd
Sorry, bugger all today.

Monday March 22nd

I have addressed the membership issue. The "new" blokes are


Some of the bio's are a lil sparse, but doubtless more will be forthcoming.

I have also moved those ppl that hav nt been see for ages to a "reserve roster". This means we keep nice and small whilst not being unfair to those ppl who may want to come back. I have also tidied up all the Members,Membership and members pages.

I hope this meets with general approval. I know that the prospect of new members can be cause for some concern, but remember it's not an irreversible process. I repeat, the wellbeing of the clan comes first, even before my own preferences, so you be good biys now. He he.

Sunday March 21st
Ok, here's what Im gonna do. We got 5 members who are away quaking or doing something else, and have been for months. These 5 are now moved a new "Reserve" list, while those of us who play regularly will be on the "Active list".

This means we have 5 spare places for Bagpuss and Co. It does not mean that at the first sign of any simian semantics I will not revoke the new membership. I repeat, we are a happy ship and are going to stay that way.

Smegs just wanna have fun. Dum de dum dum. etc etc

Subject to confirmation by the new ppl, the names will probably be Smegs~ Bagpuss, Jono and Insane.

Best behaviour mind, take a moment to look at the Do's and Don'ts on the joining page please.

I got this response from Duma at DVX regarding the rumble next Saturday (28th March)

OK by me... I'll alert the troops.. I believe there is a 5 hour difference in that time (GMT) and EST... sooo.... that would make it an afternoon game for us... around 1500 to your 2000... (3pm EST vs 8pm GMT) So, that's fine by me and mine... I look forward to it and will communicate with you about maps and ratios later in the week... Thanks for the rapid reply and we'll get this thing going!


So you see, Uncle Tazzy is looking after you. This is a sensible time for ppl like Gav and Co I'll let you know the precise time when Duma and I have thrashed it out.

Saturday March 20th
I have not heard a dicky bird about a rumble tonight with DVX, I'll try the Forum again. Meanwhile I am still uncertain about what to do about the requests coming in to join. Thing is we got a bunch of guys who don't play that much so we got a lil bit of slack. I live in fear of us collapsing under our own weight.

I shall have to go to the mountain top and ask The Great Shoe for guidence.

Tuesday March 16th
Well every now and again we all run into a boring bit during our lives, yunno when things are very dull. Interestingly I found a boring bit the other day, so here it is.
On a more serious note, our condolences to Fear & L and the missus, who are attending their Grans Funeral today.

Last day at home today, I'll be off tomorrow until late Friday night.

I'll send Duma a mail and ask for a sensible rumble time at the weekend. Try putting you cursor over one of the shoes at the top of the page, BTW.

Monday March 15th
Last night I heard a very strange sound, a low rumbling accompanied by a distant voice, "You are the chosen one " it said. Then, as quickly as it came, it departed. Restlessly i retuned to the arms of morphius. In the morning, all was revealed. This is what I found on the mailbox. Etched upon the stony ground were the words, "Keep the faith, follow not the ball." Eeeeek, I am chosen.
The shoe comes

Do n't forget this is your clan too, if you have got any contributions send them to me!

That's all for now, drop me a line

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